Yearning For a NEW Kind of SAD

 Intoxicating exhilaration of the
azure, golden-light season
had bathed and nourished
each and every cell deep into my soul
so convincingly, I thought (ha!)
the impending dark equinox veil
could evaporate, at MY will
and, THIS year refrain
from penetrating Summer’s shiny bright shield.

Ah yes, there were all the
usual and positive Autumnal clichés…
the quivering leaves were
displaying such richness of hues and
oh, isn’t that a crispy Fall breeze?
A cozy time for walks and talks,
clarity, hugs and gratitude,
fires, smoke and candles,
savoring naps, books and gravy-rich meals.

The ides of September cleverly infected
my deceptive bottomless-buoyancy
with just a nuance of restlessness and nostalgia
now gently evolving into a
general malaise of fatigue and
sinking into an all too familiar
tempo of hibernation, depression and solitude.
Is it futile – this annual S.A.D. gloom-contest:
Melatonin versus Serotonin?

Or just maybe, one day, my Autumnal journey
WILL take me somewhere new?

Using the Theme Thursday October 20th theme of NEW

Notes:  Each year I join countless others (especially up here in the North) who experience Seasonal Affectation Disorder (S.A.D.)  And each year I head into the season with optimism that THIS year, somehow, it will be different.  I have used various methods to keep my Spring/Summertime “sunny” disposition: meditation, medication, exercise, light therapy, prayer. 

The darkness of the season ushers in a period where I crave sleep and carbs.  At its worst, one can be hardly motivated to just get up and get dressed.  This year, I am purchasing a larger, more convenient SAD light (which I will be using without making a conscious effort) and in the spirit of this “theme” of “NEW” I am (ahead of time) scheduling NEW activities into my life (pray that I don’t cancel out in a fit of depression.)  I am determined to keep an even keel.  My doctor and I have discussed using a certain medication starting just in October and weaning off it towards April.  But I’m holding out to find a more natural way to cope (moving VERY South for the Winter might help!) 



11 responses to “Yearning For a NEW Kind of SAD

  1. I love the way you combine classic imagery and modern down-to-earth language.

  2. My hubs suffers mildly from this every winter! Hope this new season doesn’t depress you too much! 🙂 Happy theme thursday, too!

  3. SAD is not defined as a unique mood disorder in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), but it is labelled “a specifier of major depression”.

    It’s a real bugger that knock plenty of people about.

    • You have that right, Kris. When I described, to my doctor, the symptoms of what I called my “mild” seasonal depression, she said, “Oh, not so mild!” If I can keep my motivation up to use the lights, surround myself with friends who refuse to let me become a dark-time hermit, schedule activities (and not cancel out) and use every opportunity to be outside – maybe it will work this year?

  4. I love to have seasons, I am enjoying candles every evening…Sending sunshine your way.

    • Oh I do love to have seasons, it’s just the darned depression I don’t like! All sunshine welcomed (and yes, you should see my supply of candles!) Thanks for the encouragement!

  5. Living in Southern CA would make one think that we never experience what you go through, but I have heard that even here people experience it. I also wonder if a lot of us here are experiencing it more during the summer months than we do in the winter months. Due to the cost of electricity down here, I know a lot of people keep their windows shut and covered during daylight hours, hence we feel like we are living in caves on hot days. Yes, we could go outside but with it over 100 degrees one tends to not go out in the heat unless one has to.

    I just have to open my curtains or blinds just a bit to let the sunshine in and to stop the feeling of claustrophobia. I am thinking I would totally need one of those lights if I lived up north. I think I need one down here.

    But come south to the sunshine, during the winter it is wonderful.

    Thanks for joining in on Theme Thursday.

    God bless.

    • Yes, I grew up in Southern Cal and I even experienced SAD there, although not SO much. And I lived near Sacramento, where we had to keep our shades down in the Summer or wear dark glasses in the living room! So I understand that “cave-like” feeling you describe, not to mention outta sight electric air conditioning bills.

      We are headed down to So Cal in a week or so for my high school reunion, and I think Mexico in Feb. The new improved SAD light is on order. The writing exercises with Theme Thursday and Sunday Whirl will help keep me busy and out of trouble, maybe.

      Hopefully, I can focus on the many blessings of the seasons and stave off the depression. People sometimes think I don’t like Autumn and Winter and that’s just NOT so – it’s the slug-like, depressed person I become. Especially when it’s depression and my life is so blessed – I know it’s explainable with science, but still hard to accept.

      Blessings and thanks for the warm welcome, too. See you next week!

  6. I grew up in the sunny desert Southwest and every year here in Northern California I struggle so much with SAD.

    Big hugs from one sufferer to another.

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